So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
