I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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