So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
