The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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