Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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