just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
