I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
