How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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