i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
