I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
