how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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