I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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