Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
