The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Randomize
