I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
