how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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