I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
