I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
