never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
two words: eviction party
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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