upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
