Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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