so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
