Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
