woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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