where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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