I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
