I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
