I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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