my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
love makes seman taste better
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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