I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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