just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
