Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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