what day is it and did you see me today?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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