I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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