I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
