I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
