My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
