life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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