he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
