You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
