thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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