I just cut my nipple shaving
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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