weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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