I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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