So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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