we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
