On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
