New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
