Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You're like the curious george of whores
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
