I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
