I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I have tasted many bathrooms
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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